Do you ever just long for silence. To be alone. To not have to think, watch, anticipate, and interact all within a split second of time? While I have plopped into bed which is now in a room that has been three different spaces in only five short months, I find myself hearing only the birds. Then that moment is quickly interrupted by the mom in me wondering if the kids are really in bed or not. Something I know I will one day miss, I’m sure.
5 months. Whew. The room I’m sitting in was at one time stacked from front to back, side to side, and over halfway up the walls with boxes. We literally had to tunnel through when moving throughout the house…and in all of it, we had an 11-month-old who could barely walk within the chaos. How quickly I have forgotten of how far we have come with this old house…yet, I find myself “warning” friends who come to visit, that there are plenty of unfinished projects around and less than perfect areas where the beauty of the home has been neglected and still needs a little TLC.
It’s odd to me that I feel the need to forewarn friends and family of something I truly love and admire. I guess it’s because this home is the complete opposite of what we once had. Everyone loves new…but not everyone loves “old.”
When the Wing Family visited, they mentioned how the realtor had described the second small staircase in the house as worn and old. Not desirable or attractive. The realtor didn’t appreciate the story or history of the stairs. She didn’t see the unique curve on the left side of the step as a visual treasure. She didn’t care to think of who might have once tiredly climbed them after working on the farm. Or maybe the children who have all climbed them with their little hands and feet. Not everyone wonders, “Oh, if these walls could talk.” So I suppose, that is why I feel the need to welcome our friends and family to our “fixer-upper.” Just so they are aware we are in fact trying to restore it.
This week, I will be greeting friends to our new/old home. I am thrilled to have friends, from when I taught, want to make the drive and see us and our home. I look forward to catching up with them and the timing of their visit couldn’t be any better.
Today I dropped Caroline off at soccer camp, a very normal thing to do. As I stood there on the sidewalk with the kiddos, more parents started to arrive and quickly moms were gathering in groups to say good morning and catch up. Then out of the blue it hit me. I know absolutely no one.
While I was well aware that moving meant I wouldn’t have friends nearby, today it just seem to hit me hard when I stood there waiting for my best friend to show up next to me on the side walk. I was the lone wolf wishing they’d just say hi so I could introduce myself. By the time I realized I should somehow find a way in to their group to say hi, everyone was leaving. I for once felt what my son, Landen, has been feeling for the last five months. And to be honest, as I sit here and write this I’m crying. I literally feel like I’m just out in the middle.
Yes, I know I have friends and it doesn’t matter how far they are away-they’re always going to be my friends…. But it sure would be nice to have one good friend in the school/sports circle. Someone I could call with questions about things people just kinda know from living here for a while, or just to keep a bleacher seat warm with at a school event. There is so much going on as a family that I wonder how I’ll ever find a way to cultivate that one good friendship I have discovered I need…I suppose I should start praying about it.
I have a feeling that while I thought I have felt settled in for a while now, that I really am not. Sure, the boxes have dwindled and the house looks and feels more like home, but there are certainly other areas in my life that are still trying to settle in. After today’s revelation, I’m feeling a little uncomfortable in my skin and find myself feeling more like our home once again.
A work in progress.